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It’s true: I was once orthorexic.
For those of you who may not know, Orthorexia Nervosa is a condition by which one becomes so fixated on ‘healthy eating’ that they end up damaging their own health.
After seeing those I loved struggle with their health in numerous ways, I vowed to do everything that I could to take care of myself as a preventative measure through health and fitness. When I started my vegan journey, I fell into the realm of 'healthy eating' and lived in that bubble for several years. The idea of trying to consume what I thought to be nutrient-dense foods became my top priority. To be honest, I didn’t even realize that this was becoming an unhealthy obsession, as I enjoyed trying new recipes and seeing the cool things that I could make using nuts and raw ingredients. I was so fascinated by these foods that I kept looking further to see what else I could make. Doing so exposed me to a lot of people who claimed to be 'experts' but had no credible education or scientific backing to support their claims.
And I clung to every word.
As a result, for years, I not only avoided any form of processed food but unknowingly was sacrificing the quality of my health. I eventually became terrified of dietary fat that I couldn’t even bear the idea of consuming any fat at all. I was not healthy.
During this time I was eating a high-fat raw-vegan diet, thinking it was healthy and was consuming a copious amount of raw nuts, seeds, and coconut oil in the majority of my meals. Due to my poor diet, I had developed a candida overgrowth which felt like was plaguing my life. I couldn’t concentrate, I was always tired, my brain was always foggy, not to mention the yeast infection that would not go away. Ugh. I became so insecure in my body and quite frankly, disgusted, that I couldn’t bear to be in my own skin. I was so desperate to be relieved of this thing that was plaguing my life. It was like having a storm cloud hovering over my head everywhere I went.
My self-confidence was at an all-time low and I just wanted it to be over.
I tried everything to get rid of this infestation from going to my doctor, to a naturopath, to what I had read online, to what I heard in a local health food store or from friends. Nothing worked. Then one day I came across a book which stated that dietary fats were the problem; and by happenstance, I was consuming a ton of fat (upwards of 60% of my total daily calories). Desperate, I felt that I had nothing to lose and instantly cut out all dietary fats from my diet (or as much as possible) and began consuming an obscene amount of carbs from fruit.
For almost two years I struggled with this overgrowth and it was finally gone.
It was like a godsend. It worked.
Hallelujah!
Praise Jebus!
I can’t even begin to describe the sense of relief that washed over me.
Finally, I could find comfort in my own body again.
Whilst, not knowing that this further fueled my unhealthy obsession with food and 'healthy eating'...
To keep a long story short, I became afraid of consuming dietary fat and terrified of developing another candida overgrowth. Carbs - a.k.a., a shit ton of fruit - was my saviour, so I devoted myself to a high-carb raw-vegan diet, as well as trying to be as 'chemical-free' as possible.
To be honest, deep down I knew that this high-carb raw-vegan approach wasn’t working or sustainable, as I can’t even begin to describe the way that my body felt being deprived of dietary fat for so long. Yet, I was more terrified of experiencing another candida overgrowth and ignored what I was feeling and what should have been the obvious side effects.
And that’s the hold that fear can have over you. While knowing in the back of your mind that something is off, you continue to ignore your intuition due to a fear of something else.
What I had sacrificed to clear this overgrowth was the quality of my skin as I was constantly breaking out in cystic acne. My oral health, resulting in cavities. Weight gain. A shit ton of money. A constant feeling of being unsatisfied mentally and physically as my diet was so restrictive. And ultimately, what could have been my hormonal health if I would have continued down this path.
Looking back, I now realize that I could have simply reduced my fat intake and still ate like a regular person. But I didn’t. It wasn’t even a thought that crossed my mind.
Over time, I grew out of these orthorexic tendencies but can still see how they come up now and again.
Such as the fear of indulging on sweets like ice cream. While I don’t always feel this fear when I indulge, in those moments when I do, I simply remind myself to be kind and patient with myself. Not only that, but throughout the day, I eat a fairly balanced diet and exercise regularly; indulging now and again isn’t going to hurt me or set me back on my goals. It’s a matter of keeping things into perspective and that’s what I try my best to do.
You can chalk this up to trial and error, which ultimately I do. To be honest, I was happy at that time; I loved making food back then and I still do now. The only difference being is that I changed my relationship with food, which I think is extremely important to work on. I believe that framing your relationship with food in a mindset of fear and restriction is a dangerous one to build.
I’m incredibly passionate when it comes to health and fitness and sharing my experiences, but I also believe in transparency and being able to say that:
A) I was wrong about something (I.e., raw foods, among other things) B) You can still be unhealthy being vegan, it is not a cure-all diet C) Maybe what I was doing wasn't the healthiest, after all
I think transparency is important, not only in being honest with you but to also help you. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t want anyone to go through these types of diets and struggle the way that I did. I use it as not only as a learning experience for myself but hope that you do as well.
With the constant promotion of fad and unhealthy diets in the media, I can easily see how one can become fixated on food and develop an unhealthy relationship with it; I see it all the time, especially when it comes to the Keto diet and weight loss. Not only that but how one can get caught in the never-ending cycle of yoyo dieting, which is why I encourage you to do your research rather than blindly following what is being promoted, as I once did.
That was a huge takeaway for me. Do your dang research!
Lastly, if you find that you are struggling with disordered eating, your health, fitness, you name it, consider seeking professional guidance whether that's from a counselor, dietitian, doctor, personal trainer or someone that you can confide without judgment.
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