A Year Without You

It is hard to believe that it has been a year without you.

Regardless of the time that has passed, I think of you every day, and while some days are easier than others, there are days where I struggle to keep it together and am a complete sobbing mess. Today is no exception. For a large portion of my life, you were the front line and centre of my world, and we made so many memories together; it is why it can be hard to grasp the fact that there are no more to be made. My heart simply breaks.

Having to say goodbye felt like it was a betrayal to you. Especially in your senior years, it was hard not to think that I wasn't failing you because I couldn’t stop the degradation of your body. That regardless of what I did, I couldn’t ease your pain, close your sores, and give you the quality of life that you once had. The excitement that you felt for going outside was as vivid as the day that I brought you home, but the limitation and pain inflicted by your body had something else to say.

I could see in your eyes how tired you were, the pain you felt, and I could see the progression that things were not getting better. All the while, you always maintained the ability to love and find excitement regardless of how you felt. Which only made it more difficult as I began to realize that despite my best efforts, our time was coming closer to an end, and I felt nothing but despair starting to build.

Saying goodbye is never easy, and while I find solace in knowing that we spent your life together, there is no preparation for having to follow through with the hard decision and reality of what saying goodbye means. My feeble 30 years on this planet have known no greater pain than losing my best friend that has been with me through the countless phases of my life, but at least I got to see all of yours.

And I think that’s the most that any fur child could ask for: A life spent with one dedicated, loving family, that regardless of life’s circumstances, remained together. Nikko, you were deeply loved, and we enjoyed countless adventures together on the trails, was spoiled rotten with your favourite treats, were deeply cared for, and you were never alone. You had a great life.

While there are still days where sorrow holds me close, I remember that your life had so much meaning. Your life mattered. It mattered so much to me, your mother, and family and friends. Your life had a sense of meaning that I wish every living being had the opportunity to experience: to know what love and safety feel like, but instead, may never know such things exist. While your mom and I wish we never had to say goodbye, we also hope that we could give every animal a sense of safety and rescue them from undesirable circumstances, or at least, help a few. To give them a second chance at life and feel the sense of security, comfort, and love that you have always known.

There is no replacing you and what you meant to me. Nothing could replicate that. There is a void and life doesn't feel the same without you in it. Going for walks, hitting the trails, even spending time by the lake, the energy at home, the feeling - the peace - that would overcome me, is not the same now that you're gone. And I don't know what to do with that.

So instead, we hope to honour your memory.

Thomas

The first lucky guy was Thomas, a kitty who needed a home. He was a boy that was rejected from his previous home, and unfortunately believe, was abused and was left alone for some time. Thomas was a boy filled with anxiety and high levels of stress, but a boy, we quickly learned, was filled with so much love and heart.

You would have liked Thomas, and I am sure that once he got to know you, he would have found you comforting. I can picture him cuddling into you while you enjoy your favourite blanket, hanging out like the best of buds.

While it took Bear and Gaea time to adjust, Bear took to Thomas, but Thomas not so much to him. You see, you taught Bear a lot of communication tactics that worked for you, being a dog, but they didn’t transfer over to Tom-Tom being a cat. But Bear was relentless in his pursuit of being friends with Thomas, and they made progress, and Bear began to slowly learn how to mingle with Thomas so that they could become friends. Bear loved being close to Thomas: he would always lay close to wherever Thomas was, even if it was laying on the floor right next to where Thomas was on the couch - he wanted to be by him.

Not surprisingly, in the classic Gaea fashion, she could not be bothered by Thomas.

Thomas was incredibly chatty, and while it took him a while to come around, once he did, he quickly took to getting lots of love and attention and loved to lay on our laps, especially first thing in the morning. He loved to play with toys, watch the squirrels outside of the window and try to catch water droplets as they hit the windowpane on rainy days. He loved to drink water from your water bowls and lay with Bear high up on their cat tower where they would sleep for hours. Thomas was also a man for hanging out on the couch, especially if there was a good blanket around. He felt safe, and we built him his little fortress of comfort in our bedroom, where he could unwind and decompress, and he made it his own. Thomas loved to hang out in the drawers underneath the bed and took plenty of naps. He was such a cute little guy with the saddest face we have ever seen.

Thomas really came into his own, and we loved watching him flourish and live his best life.

I wish I could say this story had a happy ending.

We noticed that something was not quite right with his eyes and opted to bring Thomas to the vet to make sure he was okay. Unfortunately, through extensive testing, we learned that Thomas was very ill and was diagnosed with FIP, a terminal illness among cats. We can only say that he must have been sick for a while and had FIP when we took him into our home and must have been fighting for a long time. We were not prepared for his diagnosis or for losing Thomas so soon; he was finally getting a chance at life to live his kitty cat dreams, and it was cut too short. He really came into his own to then only have his health quickly decline, to a state of constant discomfort.

It is hard not to feel as though we were robbed of an incredible opportunity to build our lives as a family, and for him to be able to live a full life when his start was so unfair. He deserved every chance and opportunity to know years of countless love, fun, and excitement, and we are grateful to have given him a home away from the shelter and to experience love, security, and safety firsthand. We are thankful that we could ensure that we could meet his needs and that at least the last few months of his life were the best we could possibly provide. We did everything possible for sweet little Thomas, and now he has gotten his chance to meet you, his older brother. He got to hear all of our stories, and now he gets to make his own with you.

His passing was a tragedy built on already broken hearts, and we miss him dearly.

Moxie

Fast forward where we now have a new dog in our life - Moxie - who is experiencing the same things that we once did. The first is always the hardest. The first walk, the first trail, car ride, even the first change in the seasons; but, these things that you loved happen to scare her, and while it’s an adjustment, we need to respond differently because her needs are not the same. Her start in life was not the same as yours.

You see, Moxie comes from the Korean meat market. Until recently, her life was objectified and destined for human use and consumption, and animals in these types of positions are treated horribly. Moxie was en route to a slaughter facility when the truck she was on was intercepted by the Humane Society International, who saved her along with many other dogs. While your mom and I can’t say what her experience was like for the first two years of her life, we can say that she was riddled with anxiety, fear and was a flight risk when she made her way to us. She was tired and broken.

You see, Nikko, your starting points were vastly different, so it makes sense why she was afraid of the things that you loved; anything new would be scary. Travelling across the globe under anti-anxiety medications, landing in various places, to an unknown environment and people she doesn’t know, things she has never seen before, noises she never heard, completely new scents. But I can tell you one thing: she is slowly starting to come around and trusts us more with every passing day - one thing you never had to question.

Moxie is a quiet dog, as she is not very vocal, but she is loud with her body language and knows how to make her presence known. She is relentless in her pursuit for attention, has the cutest underbite, and loves to spin for treats. She is a tiny girl in comparison to how big you were. She loves walks, and while it took her a while to come around to her first Canadian winter, she has found a love for the snow! Moxie also loves to roll around in the grass, on the sidewalk and in the snow: there is no predicting when she will stop, drop and roll, which is always a fun surprise for us.

I do have to say, though, while you were always excited to go for walks at every available opportunity, especially first thing in the morning, Moxie prefers her rest. While initially, she would get up with me, she now much rather stay in bed and get up on her terms; only when she has had a sufficient amount of rest is she then ready for a walk.

Moxie has come such a long way in the short five months that she has been with us, and we can only imagine what kind of girl she will be in a year from now. While she is still coming around to new noises, environments and still has her skittish moments, Moxie is not the same girl who initially came into our home, and we love seeing her come into her own.

While Moxie does not know how to play with us quite yet, she is trying to figure out how to play with the cats. If you were here, I know that your mild temperament would help relax her and feel more at ease. I know that you both would have gotten along incredibly well, and you would be able to help Moxie so much in the ways of enjoying life and would have played so much together. The only thing I could foresee would be battles of who would be getting attention!

---

Losing you was one of the hardest things we had to go through, and there is no filling that void: I think about you every day. I find solace in that we can make a difference to help animals have a chance at life as you had and honour your memory. I am grateful that we were and can provide the same quality of life to Thomas and Moxie. Nor do I forget how fortunate Gaea and Bear are to have had the same lucky start, who know love, comfort and safety, and who loved you so greatly and mourned your loss, as well as Thomas.

Regardless of how we expand our family, there will never be any replacing you or what you meant to us: you will always be remembered.

I love and miss you, Nikko. Forever and always my baby you’ll be.